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Mothering Sunday

My lovely children have made a huge effort today. Waking up early and dressing themselves without being asked. Making me breakfast, luckily asking whether sugar was in the pink or blue condiment shaker (neither: they are salt and pepper)!

Flowers and chocolates and handmade cards. One including a line drawing of me in bed being jumped on by a child.

Church, as for every mothers day I have been a mother.  My children presented my son's godmother with a card. There was prayer for grandparents, for those not yet mothers, for parents bringing up young children, for those whose mothers have died, for the spiritual mothers, those who lead Sunday groups.

Private prayer offered, for those who find today difficult. Those without their mums. Those with fertility troubles or who have lost pregnancies or children.

It seems a bad day to discuss and lament on the grief of having a physically present but emotionally distant parent. The grief of no longer being 'a spiritual mother' to others. The emptiness of loosing a motherly friend.  I've been dreading today.

My sister sharing hearts and flowers Facebook posts about having the best mother in the world.  The knowledge that my mother will be wondering why I haven't said the same.

The guilt of knowing that I could so nearly and so easily made my children those who find mothers day difficult. Feeling that every bit of love they show me is undeserved. I've been an awful mother.

What really did it today though is ridiculous. I am so angry at myself. I know that all I've described above has caused my cup to be full and that the tiny drip of what tipped me over into tears was just the last straw.

A list of first aiders. Honestly, how stupid can you get. I paid a large amount of money, with my main aim to be gifting my training to my friends. It was never going to be a big earner for me.  It was to meet a need. Need not needed to be met anymore. The offer of attending not made to me. The expectation of a return to normal obviously not shared with others.  I know this is stupid. I know it is impossible to understand how this can cut me so deep.

It really is does seem that easy to erase someone. It's all just business at the end of the day. Policy. Ticking boxes. Compassion and friendship, love and loyalty mean very little in business.

So I am blessed with 2 beautiful children who I don't deserve and who should have a chance to be loved by somebody less broken than me. Their cards and stodgy cereal in bed means a lot, but not enough. This is why they deserve more. Someone who can show them appreciation for small things. Who can get through a church service without crying. Someone who can love them how they deserve. 

I hope they feel appreciated. I hope they feel enough. I hope they feel loved.

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