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You are not for nothing in this world!

There is a place in this world that only you can fill; and when you do not take this place it will always remain empty from the beginning to the end. You are not for nothing in this world! You are a building stone of the universe! It depends on you! You must be there!  PAUL KLEE {1939}

My counsellor shared these words with me today. I've decided to share them as it is World Poetry Day.

A me shaped hole. I've often heard of the God shaped hole in a person's life. I'm sure some of my Christian associates believe this is true about me. I've not thought of a me shaped hole.

I've pictured the world without me, but never as a gap. I've thought about being a missing mum. That was a mum shaped hole, not a me shaped hole.

You are not for nothing in this world.

I'm not sure I have left any mark on the world.

My counsellor is so gentle. She very sensitively asked me to consider what my expectations of dying were. It was strange to hear such harsh sounding words come gently forward. 

I have. I do see a hole in my children's lives. She made a strange, quiet noise when I admitted I had already taken steps to ensure my children had motherly advice, wisdom and love over years to come. It was like when you drop and plate and then there's silence after the little scream you do as it happens.

Today I also gave into my need to be useful, to be part of my old ministry. An email. Forwarded. Polite, short correspondence. My way of saying "Go ahead without me, I don't belong".

The me shaped holes have already started to be filled. I'm sure it will be like a patched up road. The holes are gone but you can see where they once were. Scars. They cause no harm, they may invoke a memory, it may be slightly weaker next time bad weather comes. At some point perhaps resurfacing will occur. There will be no memory then, unless perhaps your car got damaged in a pot hole there. You might remember every now and then.

I'd love to believe I would leave a hole. It's fairly clear that I haven't in work or voluntary circles. Life moves on.

Perhaps it's just easier for me to deny that Me shaped holes exist.

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