Good care

I won't name. I wish I could but I shouldn't.

I visited my GP today. I was expecting the usual sympathetic and kind but fairly unproductive 10 minute appointment. My appointments always start the same.
Dr: So, how are you?
Me: Fine
Dr: You are still stuck.
      You poor, poor thing.
      This is so bloody awful and unfair.         
      Should we try a week of this?
      You are a worry.
      I am going to get you help today.

His manner is sweet and often desperate. He's a prisoner of bureaucracy. Of funding cuts. I never feel seeing him is a waste of my time, even if nothing new comes out of it. I do worry it is a waste of his and feel guilty every time he books a repeat appointment.

He has chased second opinions, questioned diagnoses, supported my husband, stayed late. He's made me tea several times.

Today he asked more questions. He took so much time. He dug right down into exactly what my thoughts were and where they start and evolve. Who or what the voice is. Is there any respite? Did it start suddenly? Is there any physical response?

Have you tried CBT? Do you think this is PTSD linked? Finally he stopped. It's almost like it's an OCD. This was the first suggested diagnosis I was given after my PTSD treatment. I'm going to ring your psychiatrist to discuss again.

Then he spoke with my husband. How do we keep her safe. He's the only professional who seems to have considered the practicality of this.  1 weekly scripts. Are you stockpiling anything?

My husband let slip he'd found a packet in my bag. My insurance policy. I keep them incase the police come for me. I won't survive another admission. If they take me I will take them. If I don't have them I will starve myself. I will not survive another admission. Its just how quickly I die.

"if I was to refuse to prescribe anymore what would you do."

I would stop taking my meds. I would rather go cold turkey than give up this little security blanket that would save me if I get sectioned by the police.

"I thought so. I'm not going to wrestle them from you. You obviously will keep them for this perceived emergency."

He made an appointment for next week. This is why I am lucky. He knows that I trust him. He knows that I am desperate and he has compassion. My views are always considered but he has wisdom to know when I cannot make my own decisions. Today's discussion was actually helpful for me to frame my thoughts. I spend all the time in them. To have it broken down. To reflect on each part and the patterns was really helpful in making sense.

This is why people become doctors and nurses. They care. They have compassion. This is the best of the NHS. Not clock watching money saving quantity over quality. No, this is the practitioner I wanted to be but through my own health and the poor management and lack of money in my service, I could no longer be.

This is good care. Person centred care. Holistic care. It's all the buzz words you strive for in medical or nursing school but soon realise are not priorities for service delivery in the real world.

Thank you.